I was 29 years old when my husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  I went to see my family doctor.  She shared with me her own infertility story and “even though I was still a baby” she gave me the name of the doctor she worked with to have her children.  I was lucky, although very conventional, he was amiable and supportive and gave us a discount because my insurance didn’t cover fertility treatments.  

My husband and I had their full evaluation.  I was never asked about diet, except to take a prenatal vitamin, or other lifestyle factors except how often we were having sex.  
In my heart it was a difficult decision to adopt or proceed with assisted reproductive technology.  In my husband’s it was clear, and we moved forward with IVF.  

To our heart’s delight we conceived twins! 

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While I was pregnant, I started the course work and certification in integrative and holistic medicine.  I came home and switched all of our soaps and cleaners to natural products after lectures in environmental medicine and endocrine disruption. This was the first taste of swimming against the social current in my own life.  
Being a mother, though physically and emotionally draining, changed me in ways I never could have imagined.  I was able to start to feel for the first time, grounded in my authentic self.  Although, I didn’t recognize it at the time, it was amazingly spiritual and freeing. 

But just like many people, it is through life’s challenges that we grow.  

When our girls were 3 years old, having gotten through nursing, sleepless nights, terrible 2s and potty training, my husband and I started thinking about the embryo we had in the freezer.  He didn’t feel comfortable donating it, I didn’t feel comfortable destroying it.  So we opened our hearts to the idea of a bigger family.  I was nervous and unsure.  Just as I felt the first time.  When the pregnancy test came back negative, I was devastated, and something changed in me forever.  My heart ached for that baby that I felt was meant to be a part of our family.  

After several rounds of clomid and another fresh IVF cycle failed, I had had it with treatments and conventional medicine. I reached out to alternative practioner who guided me through energy healing, and shamanic journey, sound healing and meditation.  I started learning more about this aspect of myself.  The first lessons in learning to trust my inner guidance.  

I began to research the underlying mechanisms of hormonal balance, egg quality and realized that functional medicine and addressing the root cause of my health issues could be related to my fertility.  I started on some of the supplements that addressed egg quality.  Though I didn’t become pregnant, my gastrointestinal symptoms improved, my headaches improved, and my anxiety improved.  Over many years, personal trials and labs that helped guide me, I changed my eating style to better suit my own body’s needs, because even though, I thought I was eating health fully from the food pyramid, I was addicted to sugar and snacking all the time wreaking havoc on my stress hormones and digestive system.  Most importantly, I slowed down and made time for yoga and slowly started practicing meditation, mindfulness and gratitude more deliberately. 

I felt so much more vibrant, but still in the in between the times I struggled with grief every time my period came.   During this time of delving into the root cause of physical healing, emotional and spiritual healing and coming to fully realize how truly interconnected it all is and we all are.  I have been blessed to help others on their health journeys.  
I see the deeper meaning of my journey and grief as creation and creativity and birth can come in many forms. So while my path has not been to create another life in my family, it certainly has been to create a practice to help others on their journey towards finding their own path to authentic health and wellbeing. Thank you for being part of this with me.